Man and Woman Jokes

Two Eskimos, a big one and a little one, go to their local Alaskan convent with a question. The big one nudges the little one and says, “Go ahead, knock on the door, knock on the door.”

The Mother Superior answers the door. Again, the big Eskimo nudges the little one and says, “Go ahead, ask her the question, ask her the question.”

The little Eskimo timidly says, “May we speak with the midget nun that lives here please?”

The Mother Superior answers, “There are no midget nuns living here.”

The big Eskimo starts nudging the little one again and says, “Go ahead, ask her the other question, ask her the other question.”

The little Eskimo asks in a quavering voice, “Well, are there any midget nuns in Alaska?”

The Mother Superior responds uncertainly, “Why no, I don’t believe so.”

With this the big Eskimo falls down and rolls on the ground, clutching his belly as he laughs uncontrollably. “See,” he says to the little Eskimo, “I told you that you screwed a penguin!”

PERSONAL AD DEFINITIONS (What they REALLY mean)

FIRST THE WOMEN

40-ish……………… 48
Adventurer………….. Has had more partners than you ever will
Athletic……………. Flat-chested
Average looking……… Ugly
Beautiful…………… Pathological liar
Contagious Smile…….. Bring your penicillin
Educated……………. College dropout
Emotionally Secure…… Medicated
Feminist……………. Fat; ball buster
Free spirit…………. Substance user
Friendship first…….. Trying to live down reputation as slut
Fun………………… Annoying
Gentle……………… Comatose
Good Listener……….. Borderline Autistic
New-Age…………….. All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned……….. Lights out, missionary position only
Open-minded…………. Desperate
Outgoing……………. Loud
Passionate………….. Loud
Poet……………….. Depressive Schzophrenic
Professional………… Real Witch
Redhead…………….. Shops the Clairol section
Reubenesque…………. Grossly Fat
Romantic……………. Looks better by candle light
Voluptuous………….. Very Fat
Weight proportional to height………………Hugely Fat
Wants Soulmate………. One step away from stalking
Widow………………. Nagged first husband to death
Young at heart………. Toothless crone

THE MALE SIDE OF THE LIST

40-ish……………… 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic……………. Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
Average looking……… Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Educated……………. Will always treat you like an idiot
Free Spirit…………. Sleeps with your sister
Friendship first…….. As long as friendship involves nudity
Fun………………… Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking………… Arrogant
Honest……………… Pathological Liar
Huggable……………. Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Like to cuddle………. Insecure, overly dependent
Mature……………… Until you get to know him
Open-minded…………. Wants to sleep with your sister but she’s not interested
Physically fit………. I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself
Poet……………….. Has written on a bathroom stall
Spiritual…………… Once went to church with his
grandmother on Easter Sunday
Stable……………… Occasional stalker, but never arrested
Thoughtful………….. Says “Please” when demanding a beer

What do you say to a woman with no arms or legs?

Nice TITS!

Laws for women to live by:
1. Don’t imagine you can change a man - unless he’s in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man’s mind wander - it’s too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don’t make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn’t ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you’re interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

The Perfect Man
—————-

The perfect man is gentle
Never cruel and never mean
He has a beautiful smile
And keeps his face so clean.

The perfect man loves children
And will raise them by your side
He will be a good father
And a good husband to his bride.

The perfect man loves cooking
Cleaning and vacuuming too
He’ll do anything in his power
To convey his love to you.

The perfect man is sweet
Writing poetry from your name
He’s a best friend to your mother
and kisses away your pain.

He will never make you cry
or batter you in any way
To hell with this stupid poem
The perfect man is gay.