Man and Woman Jokes

Question: How are women and tornadoes alike?

Answer: They both blow like hell in the beginning and in the end they just take the house.

EXCITABLE: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.
SOCIABLE: Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.
CROSSEYES: Looks into next urinal to see how other guy is hung.
TIMID: Cannot piss if someone is wastching, flushes urinal, comes back later.
INDIFFERENT: All urinals being used, pisses in sink.
CLEVER: No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on floor.
FRIVOLOUS: Plays stream up, down, and across urinals, tries to hit fly or bug.
WORRIED: Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.
ABSENT-MINDED: Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.
CHILDISH: Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.
SNEAK: Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in next stall will get blamed.
PATIENT: Satnds very close for a long while waiting, reads with free hand.
DESPERATE: Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.
TOUGH: Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it.
EFFICIENT: Waits until he has to crap, then does both.
FAT: Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shoe.
LITTLE: Stands on box, falls in, drowns.
DRUNK: Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.
DISGRUNTLED: Stands for awhile, gives up, walks away.
CONCEITED: Holds two-inch dick like a baseball bat.

Q. How many men does it take to open a beer?

A. None. It should be open when the bitch brings it to you.

Remember the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus? Well, here is a prime example offered by an English professor at Southern Methodist University, English 44A, SMU, Creative Writing, Prof. Miller.
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In-class Assignment for Wednesday:

Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story.
The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story.
The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story.

The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached. The following was actually turned in by two of my English students:

Rebecca - last name deleted, and Gary - last name deleted. STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn’t decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favourite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. A.S. Harris to Geostation 17, he said into his trans-galactic communicator. Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far… But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ships cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalising the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel, Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth- when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. Why must one lose ones innocence to become a woman? she pondered wistfully.

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu|udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenceless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu|udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverise the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporised Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. We cant allow this! I’m going to veto that treaty! Let’s blow ‘em out of the sky!

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

Yeah? Well, you’re a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.

Asshole.

Bitch.

HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME

1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
3. Both mark their territory.
4. Neither tells you what’s bothering them.
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
6. Neither does any dishes.
7. Both fart shamelessly.
8. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
9. Both like dominance games.
10. Both are suspicious of the postman.
11. Neither understands what you see in cats.

HOW DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN

1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you’re gone.
3. Dogs feel guilty when they’ve done something wrong.
4. Dogs admit when they’re jealous.
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
6. Dogs do not play games with you-except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.)
7. You can train a dog.
8. Dogs are easy to buy for.
9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the really worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there’s a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).
10. Dogs understand what “no” means.
11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.