Man and Woman Jokes

SEMINARS FOR MALES (prepared and presented by females)

1. Combatting Stupidity
2. You, Too, Can Do Housework
3. PMS: Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
4. How to Fill an Ice Tray
5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas: Give us Money
6. Understanding the Female Response to Your Coming in Drunk at 4:00am
7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly titled “Don’t Wash my Silks”)
8. Parenting: No, It Doesn’t End With Conception
9. Get a Life: Learn to Cook
10. How Not to Act Like a Jackass When You’re Obviously Wrong
11. Spelling: Even You Can Get it Right
12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
13. You: The Weaker Sex
14. Reasons to Give Flowers
15. How to Stay Awake in Public
16. Why it is Unacceptable to Relieve Yourself Anywhere but the bathroom
17. Garbage: Getting it to the Curb
18. You Can Fall Asleep Without IT if You Really Try
19. The Morning Dilemma if IT’s awake: Take a Shower
20. I’ll Wear it if I Damn Well Please
21. How to Put the Toilet Lid Down (formerly titled “No, It’s Not a Bidet”)
22. “The Weekend” and “Sports” are Not Synonyms
23. Give Me a Break: Why We Know Your Excuses are Bull
24. How to Go Shopping with Your Mate and Not Get Lost
25. The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
26. Romanticism: Ideas Other Than Sex
27. Helpful Postural Hints for Couch Potatoes
28. Mothers-in-Law: They are People Too
29. Male Bonding: Leaving Your Friends at Home
30. You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
31. Seeing the True You (formerly “No, You Don’t Look Like Mel Gibson When Naked”)
32. Changing Your Underwear: It Really Works
33. The Attainable Goal: Omitting “tits” From Your Vocabulary
34. Fluffing the Blankets After Flatulating is Not Necessary
35. Techniques for calling home

SEMINARS FOR FEMALES (prepared and presented by males)

1. Elementary Map Reading
2. Crying and Law Enforcement
3. Advanced Math Seminar: Programming Your VCR
4. You CAN Go Shopping for Less than 4 Hours
5. Gaining Five Pounds vs. The End of the World: A Study in Contrast
6. The Seven-Outfit Week
7. PMS:YOUR Problem, Not Mine (”It’s Happened Monthly Since Puberty: Deal With it”)
8. Driving I:Getting Past Automatic Transmissions
9. Driving II: The Meaning of Blinking Orange Lights
10. Driving III: Approximating a Constant Speed
11. Driving IV: Makeup and Driving: It’s As Simple As Oil and Water
12. Football: Not a Game: A Sacrament 13. Telephone Translations (formerly titled ” ‘Me Too’ Equals I Love You”)
14. How to Earn Your Own Money
15. Gift-giving Fundamentals (formerly titled “Fabric Bad, Electronics Good”)
16. Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your Side
17. Beyond “Clean and Dirty”: The Nuances of Wearable Laundry
18. Yes, You Can Fill Up At A Self Serve Station
19. Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+ Channels
20. What Goes Around Comes Around: Why His Credit Card is Not a Toy
21. His Best Friend Can Be Yours Too
22. His Poker Games: Deal Yourself Out
23. Commitment Schmittment (formerly titled “Wedlock Schmedlock”)
24. To Honor and Obey: Remembering the Small Print Above “I Do”
25. Why Your Mother Is Unwelcome In The House
26. Your Mate: Selfish Bastard, or Victimized Sensitive Man?

God gave men two heads but unfortunately he only gave them enough blood to use one at a time.

Monica Lewinsky goes into her dry cleaners and says to the clerk, “I need this stain taken out of my dress.”

The clerk says, “Come, again!”

A man is speeding his convertible up a steep, narrow, winding mountain road when a woman driving a sedan approaches him from the opposite direction.

As they pass, she leans out her window and yells, “PIG!”

The man immediately leans out and yells, “BITCH!”

As he hurtles around the next corner, he swerves to avoid a large pig standing in the middle of the road, plows through the flimsy fence and crashes to a fiery death.

Gee, if only you guys would listen.

The average cucumber is at least six inches long

Cucumbers stay hard for a week

A Cucumber won’t tell you that size doesn’t count

Cucumbers don’t get too excited

A Cucumber never suffers from performance anxiety

Cucumbers are easy to pick up

You can fondle Cucumbers in the supermarket…and you know how firm it is before you take one home

Cucumbers can get away any weekend

With a Cucumber you can get a single room…and you won’t have to check in as Mrs. Cucumber

A Cucumber will always respect you in the morning

You can go to a movie with a Cucumber and see the movie

At a Drive-In you can stay in the front seat

A Cucumber can always wait until you get home

A Cucumber won’t eat all the Popcorn…or send you out for milk duds

A Cucumber won’t drag you out to a John Wayne film festival

A Cucumber won’t ask “Am I the first”

Cucumbers don’t care if your a virgin

Cucumbers won’t tell anyone your not a virgin anymore

With Cucumbers you don’t have to be a virgin more than once

Cucumbers don’t have sex hang-ups

Cucumbers won’t make you wear kinky clothes or go to bed with boots on

Cucumbers aren’t into rope and leather, talking dirty or swinging with fruits and nuts

You can have as many Cucumbers as you can handle

You only eat Cucumber when you feel like it

Cucumbers never need a round of applause

Cucumbers won’t ask: Am I the best? How was it? Did you cum? How many times?

Cucumbers aren’t jealous…of your gynecologist, ski instructor, or hair dresser

A Cucumber won’t want to join your support group

Cucumbers aren’t into meaningful discussions

Cucumbers won’t ask about your last lover..or speculate about the next one

A Cucumber will never make a scene because there are other Cucumbers in the refrigerator

A Cucumber won’t mind hiding in the refrigerator when your mother comes over

No matter how old you are, you can always get a fresh Cucumber

Cucumbers can handle rejection

A Cucumber won’t pout if you have a headache

A Cucumber won’t care what time of the month it is

A Cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet

A Cucumber won’t give it up for lent

With a Cucumber you never have to say your sorry

Cucumbers don’t leave whisker burns, fall asleep on your chest, or drool on the pillow

Cucumbers can stay up all night…and you don’t have to sleep on a wet spot

Afterwards a Cucumber won’t: want to shake hands and be friends, say “I’ll call you a cab, tell you he’s not the marrying kind, tell you he is the marrying kind call his mother, ex-wife, or therapist, take you to confession

Cucumbers don’t leave you wondering for a month

A Cucumber won’t make you go to the drugstore

Cucumbers won’t tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for them

A Cucumber a day keeps the OB-Gyn away

A Cucumber won’t work your crossword puzzle in ink

A Cucumber isn’t allergic to your cat

With a Cucumber, you don’t have to play Florence Nightingale during the flu season

Cucumbers never answer your phone or borrow your car

A Cucumber won’t eat all your food or drink all your liquor

A Cucumber doesn’t turn your bathroom into a library

Cucumbers won’t go through your medicine chest

A Cucumber doesn’t use your toothbrush, roll-on, or hairspray

Cucumbers won’t leave hair in the sink or a ring in the tub

Cucumbers don’t leave dirty shorts on the floor

A Cucumber never forgets to flush the toilet

A Cucumber doesn’t flush the toilet while your taking a shower

With a Cucumber the toilet seat is always the way you left it

Cucumbers don’t compare you to a Centerfold

Cucumbers can’t count to ten

Cucumbers don’t tell you they liked you better with long hair

A Cucumber will never leave for: another woman, another man, another Cucumber

A Cucumber will never call and say “I have to work late, Honey,” and then come home smelling like another woman

A Cucumber never snaps your bra, pinches your butt, or gives you a wedgie

You always know where your Cucumber has been

A Cucumber never has to call “the wife”

Cucumbers don’t have mid-life crisis

A Cucumber won’t leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun

Cucumbers don’t play the guiter and try to find themselves

You won’t find out later that your Cucumber: is married, is on penicillin, likes you, but loves your brother

A Cucumber doesn’t have softball practise on the day you move

Cucumbers never tell you what they did on R and R

A Cucumber won’t ask for a transfer just when you’re up for a promotion

Cucumbers don’t care if you make more money than they do

A Cucumber won’t wear a leisure suit to your office christmas party

You don’t have to wait till half time to talk to your Cucumber

A Cucumber won’t take you to a disco and dump you for a flashy outfit

Cucumbers never want to take you home to mom

A Cucumber doesn’t care if you always spend the holidays with your family

A Cucumber won’t ask to be put through med school

A Cucumber won’t tell you he’s outgrown you intellectually

Cucumbers never expect you to have little Cucumbers

Cucumbers don’t say,”let’s keep trying until we have a little boy.”

A Cucumber won’t insist the little cukes be raised Catholic, Jewish or Orthodox Vegetarian

It’s easy to drop a Cucumber

A Cucumber will never contest a divorce, demand a property settlement, or seek custody of anything