Man and Woman Jokes

Q: Why do men exist?

A: Cause vibrators are not able to cut the grass.

10. You know, I’ve been complaining a lot lately. I don’t blame you for ignoring me.

9. The new girl in my office is a stripper. I invited her over for dinner on Friday.

8. While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and missed. If they can hold them to a field goal they’ll still cover.

7. Bar food again?? Kick ass!!

6. I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girlfriend has class.

5. I love hearing stories about your old girlfriends. Tell me more.

4. Let’s just leave the toilet seat up all the time; then you won’t have to mess with it anymore.

3. It’s only the third quarter, you should order a couple more pitchers.

2. I’m so happy with my new hairstyle, I don’t think I’ll ever change it again.

1. I love when my pillow smells like your cigars and scotch. You passed out before brushing your teeth again, ya big silly!

1. Don’t ever lie to us, we always find out.
2. We don’t enjoy talking dirty to you as much as you enjoy listening.
3. Don’t say you understand when you don’t.
4. Girls are petty, get over it.
5. You don’t have PMS; don’t act like you know what it’s like.
6. Saying something sweet might get you off the hook; doing something sweet will always get you off the hook.
7. If you talk about having a big dick, we know you don’t.
8. Size does matter.
9. We don’t like it when you act like Mr Big; we like it when you are Mr Big.
10. A system in your car only impresses your homeboys.
11. No matter what you say, your ex girlfriend is a hoe.
12. It’s good to be sensitive, sometimes.
13. If you did something wrong or even if you didn’t, apologize.
14. Be spontaneous, dinner and a movie won’t always cut it.
15. We are self-conscious by nature, we can’t help it.
16. We are drama queens.
17. Fashion police do exist.
18. **************Don’t ask us to give head; IF you are NICE you just MIGHT get it.*****************
19. We absolutely do not care about monster trucks, car systems, paintball or anything else you and your friends talk about.
20. Hugs and kisses must be given at all times.
21. We don’t shave our legs every day, get over it.
22. Don’t make bets about us, we always find out.
23. Shave- no matter how cool you think it looks, we hate it.
24. Even is you think it is cool to burp, fart, or emitt other strange gases from your body, it is not.
25. Don’t compare our breasts with Pamela Anderson’s, hers are fake.
26. It is not cool to shoot snot rockets.
27. We are beautiful, but make-up helps.
28. We will always think we are fat so humor us and tell us we aren’t.
29. You can shoot hoops, score a goal, knock down big fat guys, and hit a little baseball with a stick so why the hell can’t you piss in thetoilet and not on it…………seriously!!!
30. Most importantly- we are always right- so don’t forget it.

How many hours does it take one man to get a cup of coffee?

Three!

One to fill the coffee cup, one to bullshit with the other guys and one to check out all the cute babes that walk through the door.

ONE- We want you to understand that we don’t give a shit about clothes, all right? Yours OR ours. All we need is one pair of tennies and one pair of church shoes. That’s it.

TWO- Don’t talk to us while the television is on, all right? Very simple: Television is off, we talk. Television is on, we don’t talk.

THREE- When you’re behind the wheel of a car, if you want to get aggressive, that’s fine, but don’t give somebody the finger and expect me to defend your honor when Steroid Lad comes over swinging a pair of nunchucks, all right?

FOUR- Would it kill you to watch “The Godfather” with me for the 57th time?

FIVE- Hey I’m sorry, but some of us see a beautiful sunset and think, “You know, I betcha my accountant is boning me up the ass.”

SIX- You go see Nell by yourself, all right? I met enough chicks like that at “The Drink” when I was single.

SEVEN- Have a sense of humor. Without a sense of humor, a relationship lasts about as long as David Duke at a Black Panther meeting.

EIGHT- Work out your job-related anger before we have sex. Just because Helmut, the office boy, brought you the CUP of lima bean consommi instead of the BOWL of lima bean consommi from Soup Plantation, I don’t want to end up in the friction burn groin ward at Cedars-Sinai, all right?

NINE- Don’t ask us to cry. As much as you say you want us to cry, you don’t really want us to cry. You hate it when we cry. I’ve tried crying in front of my wife. She enjoyed it for about thirty seconds and then started thinking, “Why in the fuck did I marry this hamster?”

TEN- Be patient. Hold us. Love us unconditionally. Help us out of this testosterone-induced fog we dwell in and lead us into the light.

Or if that’s asking too much, how’s about a big sloppy blowjob once in awhile?